The Third Roommate: Ochocinco Occupies Wall Street

Posted: November 5, 2011 by ndbohlen in Chad Ochocinco, NFL, Patriots
Tags: , , , , , ,

Mike: Dude, great news. Our third roommate has become the new spokesperson for Occupy Wall Street: “Most folks say money isn’t the key to happiness,but I always figured if you have enough money,you can have a key made.Oh yeah,keys r cheap.”

Leave it to our roommate to finally help those people formulate a message to rally around. Wise leadership from an idiot.

Nick: It’s so nice to see a rich athlete in touch with the struggling economy. Though I’m surprised; I wouldn’t have thought he’d contradict the basic Biggie tenet of, “Mo Money, Mo Problems.

Then again, he already has used his money to turn his front teeth into King Midas, so what could be so hard about making a key? In fact, he can just turn those golden teeth into said key if he ever runs out of money. Just give him a decent dentist and voila! Happiness.

That said, it appears money can’t buy him one thing: the ability to catch a fucking football.

Mike: As Nelly said of his grillz, “If they call it a drink, call it a smile on the rocks.” Maybe Chad isn’t down with the old-school belief system of 90’s hip-hop. He’s probably too caught up in all the blingy-bling. Though, come to think of it, if you could give one part of your body the Midas touch, would it really be your teeth?

The best part about having number 85 on your team must be his consistency: he catches 2 or fewer passes regardless of whether the Pats win or lose. Perhaps if he reaches a season high this Sunday with three catches, the rest of the Pats might be so inspired as to lay Justin Tuck flat on his ass. But Tuck probably won’t play, so I think it’s safe to assume that Ochocinco won’t catch three passes.

Interesting stat: Ochocinco hasn’t caught a pass for the Pats when they’re losing the game. Only when they’re ahead or tied. Well, that confirms it: he’s useless.

Now the real question is: which team would win at a game of multi-player Halo?

Team One: John Lackey, Jon Lester, and Josh Beckett
Team Two: Chad Ochocinco, Rob Gronkowski, and Gronk’s pornstar sweetheart Bibi Jones (I think their first meeting went something like this)

Nick: So you want to be Goldmember? Hot.

The only way the Red Sox pitchers have any sort of chance is if you provided them with an unlimited supply of beer and fried chicken. That way they wouldn’t have to take a break to order in.

I think the X factor (and no, I’m not talking about your favorite show) is Bibi Jones. I think she’ll distract the Red Sox by bringing a whole new definition to the term “button-mashing” once she figures out that the controller vibrates. That will free up our boy Ochocinco to dominate with his Xbox skillz (yeah, with a z).

Maybe that’s why I don’t hear him tossing and turning at night: he uses his video game prowess to pad his stats in Madden as a coping mechanism for his horrible season.

Now I know why he needed us to have that Xbox.


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