The Cardiac Check-Up

Posted: November 8, 2011 by mzyohai in Jets, NFL, Patriots

We have a theory: the influenza virus is just something that CVS and others in the pharmaceutical industry invented to boost profits. What’s really going on is that men are becoming physically ill as their favorite sports teams give them severe fits of anxiety, cold sweat, and even heart palpitations. For those who are not sports fans, but still manage to get sick, you are merely weak. But don’t worry, Jesus said that you will inherit the Earth… until the strong rise up again and take it back.

Now, with the NFL season coming into the home-stretch, it is only right that we take our pulses and update our readers on our current heart health in the new weekly segment: The Cardiac Check-Up.

In this segment we’ll try to get a reading on the heart health of the often frail patient that is a fan (unless, of course, you happen to root for the Green Bay Packers). In addition to offering our cardiac status, we also provide the remedy: hip-hop lyrics. Why hip-hop lyrics? “If you don’t like my shit, then fuck you and your shit.” That’s why. (Thanks Weezy, we almost didn’t have a legitimate response…)

No, we weren’t pre-med and no, we don’t know how to actually take our pulses. But when our blood pressure reaches such a peak that our eyes are bloodshot without using any illicit drugs (… OK, you caught us), we know something is up. We now present, the newest type of sports medicine: a diagnosis of the heart of a fan.

Nick’s Cardiac Status: Surgery to insert defibrillator tentatively scheduled for Monday morning, pending the outcome of the Week 5 rematch between Pats and Jets.

My blood sugars dipped dangerously low following the Patriots’ second straight loss, as the déjà vu of Super Bowl XLII caused me to stop eating altogether. I’ve been walking around ever since with one hand held to my carotid artery to make sure I still have a pulse, and my other hand tightly clasped around a bottle of Orloff vodka. It’s pretty much empty at this point, so it’s possible I’m confusing my heartbeat for my pulsating head. Whichever it is, it’s coming in at around 40 beats per minute.

As Sunday Night Football edges closer, I’m unsure whether my heart rate is going to spike to anaerobic levels (which I haven’t seen in years for a lack of exercise) or whether I’m just going to slowly fade into a stress-induced coma sometime Sunday afternoon.  I think my only chance for making it through this week alive is to watch ESPN’s 30 for 30 “Four Days in October” on repeat and masturbate furiously to ensure my heart has to keep pumping my blood to at least one part of my body.

Two weeks ago, I was sitting pretty. Now I’m an 8 out of 10 on the scale of how much I wish I could be a fair-weather fan whose entire outlook on life weren’t currently dependent on the right arm of Tom Brady.

Hip-Hop for Heart Health:

“Back on the block again, back with the rock again,

Watching for cops again, all about the profit end.

They got me back in this game again, but I swear –

We all gon’ be alright.”

-Memphis Bleek, “Alright

Mike’s Cardiac Status: Adrenaline & Anxiety-Fueled Cardiac Arrhythmia

I would have like to have written that my heart condition is currently “High Blood Pressure Due to 24-Hour Sports Erection.” Had the Jets merely won three in a row without the shellacking of road games from Week 3 through Week 5, my heart would just be pumping at the speed of a coke-fiend. But at this point, the adrenaline rush of having stunned the Bills in Ralph Wilson Stadium is only exacerbating the after-effects of the broken heart syndrome suffered due to the back-to-back-to-back losses in Oakland, Baltimore, and New England.

Even if nothing in the Jets’ past should be giving me anxiety, the future has plenty of reasons. The Pats come into town having lost both the 2009 and 2010 road games against the Rex Ryan Jets. And yet I can’t rest easy after seeing Brady lose his cool on the side line and mouth the word “Fuck” more times than when Ozzie Osbourne stutters through one of his wisdom-sharing moments on that horrendous MTV show.

When I get stressed, I like to eat. So Rex, I agree: “Let’s go eat a goddamn snack!”

Hip-Hop for Heart Health:

“(Oh shit! The cops!) Be cool, fool

They ain’t gonna roll up, all they want is fucking doughnuts”

– Notorious B.I.G., “Gimme the Loot

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