Jets @ Broncos Preview: “And the Lord cursed Tebow”

Posted: November 16, 2011 by mzyohai in Jets, NFL, Prediction
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Nick: My, oh my! What a game Sunday night! I know I don’t have to remind you of the beatdown the Jets took in primetime, but you know I can’t have my team employ the backhand so effectively without rubbing it in.

That Jets defense you were so confident in? Tom Terrific hung 329 yards and 3 TDs on them for another 30 points. (I’ve kindly subtracted those last seven points courtesy of Mark Sanchez and his unprecedented ineptitude – no need to thank me.)

That Patriots defense you were so assured of dominating? The no-name secondary held fast for a meager 16 points, as Andre Carter made Mark Sanchez his bottom-bitch with 4.5 sacks and forced him into a 20-39, 2 INT, 64.8 passer rating performance. Sanchez has been so bad that even high school girls are no longer impressed. They would rather receive a dirty Sanchez than get down and dirty with Sanchez.

Mike: Wow, did you think of that pun all on your own? I’m glad your $200,000 bachelor’s degree has allowed you to shit that out of your dwarf-Patriots-fan brain. Why don’t you throw in a rhyme or two so we can really be impressed by your English language skills? I’d rather received a Pat-down from a man, than be a Pat’s fan. Imbecile.

Nick: I knew you were in a fragile state of mind, but I didn’t realize one little pun would set you off on such a tirade. Besides, your identical $200 grand investment didn’t work out so well, either. “Dwarf-Patriots-fan brain?” Really? That’s the best you could come up with? Your attempt at an insult was like LARPing – what’s the point if you’re just going to hit me with a foam sword like we’re a couple of six-year-old hemophiliacs?

Mike: I’ll have to take it from you… you’re my source for all role playing information. Your girlfriend told me your favorite game is when she pretends to be Brady and punishes you with kicks to the groin from Patriots-themed UGG boots.

Nick: Wow, it really has been a long time since you have felt the touch of a woman, hasn’t it? It’s like you’re Natalie Portman in Black Swan – touch yourself, for Christ’s sake.

But why am I going on and on in my verbose manner? I should just let Bill Belichick sum it up with his beautiful succinctness following last night’s win (according to the New York Post):

“Thirty-seven points on the best defense in the league, suck my dick.”

Mike: I don’t want to think of Sunday’s game any more. I hate the wildcard race.

Nick: If S-ing Belichick’s D is no longer your main concern, then the real question is, how will the Jets recover after Sunday night’s physical and emotional tea-bagging with only three days to prepare for their Thursday night match-up against the Denver Broncos?

It’s okay, Mike.  Cry away.

Mike: The only redemption now afforded to me, and all Jets fans, is that we have a nice rebound match-up with Denver. Assuming Rex can get the house back in order and prepare his team for the mile-high challenge (robbing Tim Tebow of his V-card either in a plane or in Mile High Stadium).

Tebow is coming off of an amazing win: 2-8 for 69 yards. He ran for almost as many yards as he tossed. Of course, he was playing the Kansas City Chiefs, who don’t really have a defensive line. The Jets will be a different story. As opposed to the Week 5 misery I endured, the Jets were actually airtight against the Pats’ running game.

Nick: I’m still in shock that Tim Tebow attempted only eight passes and completed two of them for 69 yards for a win against Kansas. His coach didn’t trust him to throw the ball enough to fill an ESPN highlight reel. They would be better off covering me getting off to last night’s Patriots win – but then again, they might be able to make a “30 for 30” about that.

Mike: I would gladly watch a “30 for 30” about you jerking off to the sound of Chris Collinsworth fellating Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. I’m sure ESPN might even make a SportsScience clip about your incredible ability to achieve orgasm while listening to one of the worst commentators of all time.

Nick: How dare you say that about Chris Collinsworth. I enjoy his commentary, if only because the only Sunday night comparison I have is the weird, baritone, unintelligible mutterings of John Madden. Who do you like better, Phil Simms? Are you that much of a nerd that you enjoy his Phil-osophy because it brings football and your useless major together?

Mike: I’ll admit that Collinsworth is certainly better than listening to Troy Aikman’s brain-damaged slurring. Speaking of quarterbacks I hate… defending the run is slightly easier when you’re facing #12, who has speed and agility (and smell and looks) of a freshly risen zombie. With Tim Tebow, the run threat is much more dynamic. Tebow is quicker and stronger than a lot of QBs in the league. I don’t know where the Broncos are going to turn when it comes to facing the Jets.

I don’t think there were any weaknesses in the Jets passing defense that were exposed by Sunday night’s game. Instead, it showed that Rob Gronkowski is a fantastic tight end (should I make a pun here, you nerd?). The Broncos don’t have anything like Gronkowski to puncture holes in the Jets secondary. Which means that Revis Christ will keep Tebow’s throwing arm inactive.

Nick: The Jets have struggled against the run at times this season, but with Revis and company locking down an already nonexistent Denver passing game like you already mentioned, I have a feeling Rex Ryan and the front seven will be able to put a stop to the college-style option offense. (Can we stop complimenting Tebow on his ability to decide whether to keep the ball or stick it in his running back’s stomach? It can’t be that hard.)

Mike: How many times did you check to make sure that you wrote “compliment” instead of “complement,” just to make sure that I didn’t have a chance at diction-revenge? Did you even look it up to make sure you knew which homophone to use?

Nick: No, I didn’t have to look it up. Unlike you, I learned how to write competently while in school, and I’m not grammatically challenged. In an unrelated and unnecessary personal attack, I’m not vertically challenged like you either.

Mike: Five-ten is AVERAGE goddamn it!!! The biggest threat I see coming out of Sunday night and moving forward is the use of the no-huddle offense against the Jets. But I don’t think Tebow is ready to handle a serious no-huddle drive against a team that is much better than the Broncos.

Nick: That and they have only three days to take on a completely retro-style offense that no one sees in the NFL anymore. Denver already assumes their passing game is pointless, so that pretty much negates the strongest aspect of your defense.  Tebow can run a no-huddle offense, though, considering he’s just running the same play over and over (just like he did at Florida, where he went no-huddle). It could give the Jets fits, but still, I think it’s safe to say that Denver can’t plan on putting a whole lot of points on the board, especially with running backs Willis McGahee and Knowshon Moreno hurt. Moreno is done for the year with a torn ACL and McGahee is “probable” after hurting his hamstring, not the easiest of injuries to recover from.

Mike: I’m not too worried about this whole three-day preparation business. The Broncos played on Sunday, too. I’m sure this game will be incredibly sloppy, challenging even your inslopsicated freshman year at college. I wouldn’t be surprised if this game bore a remarkable resemblance to the Monday night Miami game — only God and Tim Tebow will know how the Jets eked out a win in this game — but it will hopefully wash the Jets’ faces clean of the dog shit currently serving as a facial treatment.

Nick: The key to the game will be Mark Sanchez and the Jets offense squaring off against the Denver defense. Sanchez can’t be  feeling too confident after being unable to throw the ball effectively against the worst secondary in the league, which, by the way, was missing its two best players with Patrick Chung inactive and Devin McCourty out most of the game with a shoulder injury. I will give him this: that second pick to Ninkovich was beautifully telegraphed.

The Denver defense isn’t anything special, but they’ve put up better number than the Pats DBs, meaning a potential struggle for the Sanchise. That said, I think he should have open receivers on Thursday (although what is up with Santonio Holmes? He seems to be disengaged, but maybe that’s because Sanchez can’t hit him any more than 20 yards downfield). The question is, will Sanchez be able to find those open WRs? Do you think Sanchez can get the job done, extreme pun-hater?

Mike: I think I said in a previous game previews that Sanchez needs to be able to see his receivers. It’s his crucial failure. He doesn’t see open receivers and goes for risky passes. I think he’ll clean up the problems from last Sunday. He’ll be quicker with getting rid of the ball and thereby minimize the Von Miller-induced sacks (wow, who thought I’d even think about the possibility of Denver notching a sack against the Jets’ O-line?). I really don’t think confidence is an issue when it comes to Sanchez. Who else has had more articles written about him and entire television segments dedicated to his baffles than Sanchez? Yet he still thinks he’s the guy to lead the team. I’m just happy that I don’t have any expectations for Sanchez for the rest of this season. So if he completes another 20 passes in each remaining game this season, he’ll surprise me.

This Monday I watched Green Bay’s second-string QB, Matt Flynn, run a beautiful TD-scoring drive for the Pack in the 4th quarter. I’ll take Flynn for the regular season and then Sanchez for the playoffs.

Nick: I think your depression-induced expectations of Mark Sanchez are a tad overblown. He still can be mediocre against bad teams! Fun fact, actually: Tebow – with a completion percentage of 45% – has an almost identical passer rating as Sanchez: 81.5 vs. 81.6. Nice! Hilarious ineptitude aside, I think Sanchez will get his…how do you say “swag” in Spanish?…back.

How about the Jets running attack? Is there anyone on Denver’s side who can stop Shonn Greene?

Other than God, of course.

Mike: Some source is reporting that Tomlinson suffered an MCL injury. I doubt he’ll be lining up in the backfield this Thursday. So Greene will have to shoulder a larger role, but I’ll be excited to see McKnight have a couple of serious tries at moving the ball. Of course, if he drops the ball like he did on Sunday… I’ll subject him to listening Brian McKnight’s “Back at One” on repeat.

Nick: I also don’t think the Jets are going to miss Tomlinson all that much. He’s hardly a running threat anymore (injury aside), and just serves as an extra receiver out of the backfield. It might be a blessing in disguise, actually, because Sanchez will be forced to actually look downfield for open receivers instead of panicking and immediately checking down to LT underneath.

On the defensive side, it appears the Jets are locked in to handle this run-option offense.  As Revis put it, the biggest obstacle they’ll have is trying not to “fall asleep” out on the field due to extreme boredom. That doesn’t bode well for Tebow, who after beating Miami, Carson Palmer, and Kansas City, is facing his first legitimate opposition other than Detroit…who dismantled the Broncos and deconstructed the concept of God in a 45-10 shellacking.

Mike: Yeah, but Denver also beat the Raiders on the road, which the Jets couldn’t muster. And the Jets also struggled against the listless Dolphins. Do the Jets have to score forty points in order to beat the Tebowites of Jerusalem?

Nick: To be fair, the Jets didn’t have the pleasure of being gift-wrapped a million interceptions signed, “Yours truly, Carson Palmer.” The Jets won’t rack up that many points, but as long as Sanchez takes care of the football, I think they will take it to Tebow and keep that baby-proof offense in check. Final score: Jets 27, Broncos 10

Mike: The stadium is mile high, but the score will be low. Jets crawl back. Jets 17, Broncos 9.


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