Texts from Last (Sunday) Night

Posted: November 17, 2011 by mzyohai in Jets, NFL, Patriots
Tags: , , , ,

We didn’t get to watch Sunday night’s Patriots-Jets game together, but that doesn’t stop us from tormenting each other by text message. The following back-and-forth is the reason, in a nutshell, why we will never be allowed on live television as sports commentators.

So in honor of Mike crapping his khakis in the middle of a crowded bar (and Nick illegally pitching a tent in Zuccotti Park, in a manner of speaking) if the Jets lose tonight for the second time in four days, we present to you the dark descent into the expletive-laden madness of a now inconsolable fan.

All while his friend and roommate gleefully flaunts his overwhelming joy in 160 characters or less.

Enjoy our Texts from Last (Sunday) Night:

Ochocinco catches his second pass from Brady for 53 yards.


Mike, 9:01pm: Two catches. He’s matched his season high!

Brady launches a toss into the end zone, where multiple Jets defenders await.

Nick, 9:21pm: I almost crapped myself on that last throw by Brady. What the fuck was he thinking?

Mike, 9:22pm: Made little sense and a rare under-throw from Brady

Halftime. Mike and Nick drink heavily.

Nick, 10:21pm: Starting off the second half with a Bud heavy. I don’t know whether that was a good or bad karmic decision.

Jets turnover on muffed punt. Pats score.

Nick, 10:40pm: I loved everything about the last five minutes.

Mike, 10:41pm: Fuck you.

Nick, 10:41pm: Hahahahaha, oh it’s good to have you back.

TD pass to Gronkowski overturned because he stepped out of bounds.

Nick, 10:43pm: You lucky fuck.

Sanchez pass tipped and intercepted.

Nick, 10:50pm: I’m not even mad that they overturned that call. Thank you, football gods.

Mike, 10:51pm: Fuck you. That was a lucky pick

Mike, 10:51pm: Brady ain’t done shit

Mike, 10:52pm: Go to hell. Find a dick. Suck it.

5-yard TD pass from Brady to Gronkowski.

Nick, 10:55pm: Hahaha, it still counts on the stat sheet. Bitch. I’m sorry, what were you saying about Brady doing shit? I think you are the one who needs to find a penis pacifier.

Brady completes a 13-play, 84-yard drive for a TD to Branch.

Nick, 11:26pm: Did you hear what Colinsworth just said? “Quarterback play at its finest in the NFL.” He’s talking about Brady, not Sanchez. Not that the two would ever be confused.

Mike, 11:28pm: I still think Brady sucks.

Sanchez throws a pick-six.

Nick, 11:32pm: Make that three throws. Ohhhhh baby!

Mike, 11:32pm: Fuck you.

Jets fail to convert on fourth down… not that it mattered.

Nick, 11:44pm: “Tom Brady was simply too much tonight.” I could beat off to chris collinsworth quotes tonight.

Game over. Pats 37, Jets 16.

Nick, 11:56pm: Suck it. Suck it long. Suck it hard.

Mike, 11:59pm: Please get caught for a DUI on the way home.

Nick, 12:00am: It’s definitely in play. But it would almost be worth it.

Nick, 12:34am: Made it home without getting pulled over. The glorious night continues. This is what you get for preying on my disappointment as a fan. Payback is a bitch.

Mike, 12:39am: Fuck you. I’m going to watch lesbian porn.

Nick, 12:40am: Don’t worry, you still won’t be able to get off. Meanwhile, you know what is quintessentially American? Eating apple pie after a big Pats win. Mmmmm…

Mike, 12:44am: Go to hell

The End.

  1. sexy rexy says:

    Mike, 12:39am: Fuck you. I’m going to watch lesbian porn.

    classic mike. or ben.

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