Super Bowl XLVI: ‘Prop’ Bets, or “Making this Super Bowl Sufferable for Mike”

Posted: February 4, 2012 by mzyohai in Chad Ochocinco, NFL, Opinion, Patriots, Picks, Prediction
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s been a long time since we were here, Nick. Remember the good old days when we used to pick against the spread? Well, let me clarify, I would pick correctly against the spread and Nick would have done better to pick according to whether a Jaguar could take down a Dolphin in the wild. But the NFL’s postseason, unfortunately, is not determined by whose fans are better at gambling. Now I have to watch the Jets’ nemesis play their cross-town rival in the biggest game of the year.

Since this year’s Super Bowl will be an absolutely horrible experience for me regardless of the outcome, and since Nick has an insatiable thirst for sports gambling, he and I have put together a couple of ‘prop’ bets so that I have something to root for and Nick can potentially sweeten the experience of watching the Pats in the Super Bowl by winning some money.

So here they are folks, Roommate Rivals’ Super Bowl XLVI Props:

Will there be a 100 yard rusher?

Mike: Ha! Have you even watched these two teams play? OK, maybe if Eli or Tom get injured. But still, no.

Nick: Unless this is more than just a commercial, then no, it ain’t happening.

Which team will commit more turnovers?

Mike: Brady will have more turnovers than Eli, but it’s not a Giants game without a couple of heart-stopping moments. Giants.

Nick: The running backs for the Pats don’t fumble (BJGE literally has never fumbled). Unless the Patriots secondary manages to kill itself trying to pick off Eli’s fluttery passes like the 49ers’ cornerbacks two weeks ago, this will be the Giants.

Which QB will throw for more yards?

Mike: Cover the ball in oil to weigh it down for Brady and he’ll still out-throw Eli. Brady.

Nick: For all that I hold sacred (beer, Boston sports, good food, the five second rule), please let it be Tom Brady.

Who will be the leading receiver for the game?

Mike: I feel like this is going to come down to some bullshit play like the Cruz or Welker 99-yard receptions on blown tackles. Screw it. Hakeem Nicks.

Nick: For whatever inexplicable reason, I’m going to pray that the Pats secondary doesn’t have any breakdowns and keep Cruz and Nicks from ripping off 50+ yards after the catch. I will put my faith and money on the short little white dude instead. Wes Welker.

Who will score first?

Mike: An oddly difficult call to make. But can you really pick against Tom Brady here? Patriots.

Nick: I’m only picking against Brady because the Giants are all but guaranteed to get the ball to start the game. And for the reverse jinx effect, obviously. Giants.

Will the largest lead be over or under 13.5 points?

Mike: The last two meetings for these teams was decided by less than a touchdown, both scored in the last quarter. Something has got to give. Over.

Nick: There’s been too much hype for this to become a blowout. It just feels like this has to be a close, nerve-wracking game that takes five years off my life expectancy (one for each year that has passed since that fateful Sunday eve in February 2007). Under.

Tie game after 0-0?

Mike: I see this game getting too whacky for that. A two-point try on the first TD is more likely. No.

Nick: Um, okay, you can bet on going for two, I’m going to take the odds that one of these teams can answer back at 3-3 or 7-7. Heck, even 10-10! Let’s go nuts. Yup.

Total number of touchdowns?

Mike: These defenses suck. Seven.

Nick: You stole my answer (and it would be lame if we gave identical predictions). Fine, these sucky defenses manage to make a couple stops somehow. Six.

Will Gronkowski have more than eight receptions?

Mike: Will he move after the catch? No. Will he make a whole bunch of catches? Yes.

Nick: While I hope Gronk beasts for 9 catches, 125 yards, I don’t see him going all T.O. from Super Bowl XXXIX, when Owens blew up for 9 and 122 five weeks after shattering his leg. Sorry, but no. But I hope Gronk proves me wrong, finds me, and rips my doubting head off with his meaty paws.

Ochocinco reception?

Mike: The NFL should just allow him to tweet during the game — Pro Bowl style. No.

Nick: I BELIEVE IN YOU, CHAD. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU EVEN HAVE A TOUCHDOWN DANCE PLANNED. YES.

Over/under (54)?

Mike: Under.

Nick: Double under.

Will Kelly Clarkson’s rendition of the National Anthem take longer than 1:40?

Mike: Dear God, no. Please.

Nick: I hope not, but for the sake of being contrarian, and if only because this is her third moment of cultural relevancy (the first two being American Idol and whatever that mildly catchy pouty heartbreak song was), sure, why not?

On a scale of anorexic to orca whale, how large will Kelly Clarkson be when she walks out to sing the National Anthem?

Mike: Actually when picking the previous prop, I thought, “She’s too fat to have a big lung capacity and hold a note.” Walking beanbag chair.

Nick: I always have trouble distinguishing between her and Chris Berman in that horribly awkward car commercial. Pre-Weight Watchers Charles Barkley.

What color will Patriots Coach Bill Belichick wear?

Mike: He wore red last time. That went poorly. Navy.

Nick: He’s grown more somber as we’ve gotten closer to kickoff. Muted tones to suit his mood. Gray all the way.

What category of product will be the first ad after kickoff?

Mike: Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer.

Nick: Is there any other kind of commercial during the Super Bowl? Duh, beer.

Which team will challenge first?

Mike: It doesn’t have to be a successful challenge, right? Giants.

Nick: Tom Coughlin is too old and stubborn and crotchety to pull out the red flag. Count on Belichick to reach into his sock first.

What color will the gatorade dousing be?

Mike: This is purely based on my hope that they pick whichever color is stickiest. Orange.

Nick: I feel like there’s a sticky innuendo right in front of my face, but I can’t quite grasp it. Wait, did I just kind of stumble on one accidentally? Nice! Self-congratulatory high fives all around! Oh right, colors. Um, how about red?

Will the composite halftime score be greater than Superbowl XLII’s final score (17-14)?

Mike: The Giants defense was way better in that game and Eli was way worse of a quarterback. Greater.

Nick: These two teams went scoreless for the entire first half when they met in Week 9. That said, I’ll be fine losing this bet if Brady tosses another 5 first half touchdowns. Less.

Will there be a missed field goal in the game?

Mike: I still can’t believe the one in the AFC Championship. No.

Nick: Laurence Tynes has done it before, but probably won’t again this week in the dome. Besides, my poor little heart couldn’t take a repeat Billy Cundiff. No, thank you.

Superbowl XLVI Champion

Mike: This will be the ONLY time I ever say this: GO BIG BLUE! Giants, 30-20.

Nick: Is that a question? Do you really have that written down in your notepad? You should be ashamed of yourself. You smell me. I smell like money. Patriots, 27-24.

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