Archive for the ‘Chad Ochocinco’ Category

It’s been a long time since we were here, Nick. Remember the good old days when we used to pick against the spread? Well, let me clarify, I would pick correctly against the spread and Nick would have done better to pick according to whether a Jaguar could take down a Dolphin in the wild. But the NFL’s postseason, unfortunately, is not determined by whose fans are better at gambling. Now I have to watch the Jets’ nemesis play their cross-town rival in the biggest game of the year.

Since this year’s Super Bowl will be an absolutely horrible experience for me regardless of the outcome, and since Nick has an insatiable thirst for sports gambling, he and I have put together a couple of ‘prop’ bets so that I have something to root for and Nick can potentially sweeten the experience of watching the Pats in the Super Bowl by winning some money.

So here they are folks, Roommate Rivals’ Super Bowl XLVI Props:

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Nick: “I’m Chad and i’m a black guy, your name is Ryan and we are friends now RT @ryangray: @ochocinco can you tweet something cool to me Chad?”

“We’re both black? RT @FantasticNicki: @ochocinco for some strange reason I thought you were T.O. wonder where that confusion came from?”

“That makes us an Oreo RT @MichiganIsBest: I’m Joseph and I’m a white guy. You are Chad and you are a black guy. We are friends on twitter.”

I can’t decide whether our roommate is taking race relations forward or back. Maybe he has taken the torch from MLK and Malcolm X and is just trying not to burn himself.

Mike: Our often-cryptic, yet always wise third roommate appears to have left us some clues to figure out whether he is a campaigner for civil rights or merely a black George Wallace… (more…)

Mike: Dude, great news. Our third roommate has become the new spokesperson for Occupy Wall Street: “Most folks say money isn’t the key to happiness,but I always figured if you have enough money,you can have a key made.Oh yeah,keys r cheap.”

Leave it to our roommate to finally help those people formulate a message to rally around. Wise leadership from an idiot.

Nick: It’s so nice to see a rich athlete in touch with the struggling economy. Though I’m surprised; I wouldn’t have thought he’d contradict the basic Biggie tenet of, “Mo Money, Mo Problems.

Then again, he already has used his money to turn his front teeth into King Midas, so what could be so hard about making a key? In fact, he can just turn those golden teeth into said key if he ever runs out of money. Just give him a decent dentist and voila! Happiness.

That said, it appears money can’t buy him one thing: the ability to catch a fucking football.

Mike: As Nelly said of his grillz, “If they call it a drink, call it a smile on the rocks.” Maybe Chad isn’t down with the old-school belief system of 90’s hip-hop. He’s probably too caught up in all the blingy-bling. Though, come to think of it, if you could give one part of your body the Midas touch, would it really be your teeth?

The best part about having number 85 on your team must be his consistency: he catches 2 or fewer passes regardless of whether the Pats win or lose. Perhaps if he reaches a season high this Sunday with three catches, the rest of the Pats might be so inspired as to lay Justin Tuck flat on his ass. But Tuck probably won’t play, so I think it’s safe to assume that Ochocinco won’t catch three passes.

Interesting stat: Ochocinco hasn’t caught a pass for the Pats when they’re losing the game. Only when they’re ahead or tied. Well, that confirms it: he’s useless.

Now the real question is: which team would win at a game of multi-player Halo?

Team One: John Lackey, Jon Lester, and Josh Beckett
Team Two: Chad Ochocinco, Rob Gronkowski, and Gronk’s pornstar sweetheart Bibi Jones (I think their first meeting went something like this)

Nick: So you want to be Goldmember? Hot.

The only way the Red Sox pitchers have any sort of chance is if you provided them with an unlimited supply of beer and fried chicken. That way they wouldn’t have to take a break to order in.

I think the X factor (and no, I’m not talking about your favorite show) is Bibi Jones. I think she’ll distract the Red Sox by bringing a whole new definition to the term “button-mashing” once she figures out that the controller vibrates. That will free up our boy Ochocinco to dominate with his Xbox skillz (yeah, with a z).

Maybe that’s why I don’t hear him tossing and turning at night: he uses his video game prowess to pad his stats in Madden as a coping mechanism for his horrible season.

Now I know why he needed us to have that Xbox.

Nick: Okay, so this involves me embarrassingly admitting that I follow Ochocinco on Twitter. And that I go back and read all of his tweets. I probably should be institutionalized. But it would be absolutely worth it, because his wake-up advice this Thursday morning was as follows:

“Start ur day off positive. Look yourself in the mirror and say: I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darnit people want to f*ck me.”

Wise words from an idiot.

Mike: That is probably the best version of the Stuart Smalley Self-Affirmation I’ve ever heard.

But, I hope he dies a horrendous death this Sunday when Troy Polamalu rips off his head and does a tribal dance over his dead body while pouring Head and Shoulders all over himself.

Then we can imprint his wise Twitter words on his gravestone.

Nick: You surprise me, Michael. I would have thought you would want him to live so that he continues to take a valuable roster spot and turn it into a black hole where completions, passing yards, and touchdown receptions go to die.

If I were ever to get a tattoo, I think that would be it.

Mike: No. He’s committed pretty big cardinal sins: being a Bengal and a Patriot. And since I fully believe that all crimes in sports are capital crimes, the death penalty is my clear choice. The method is quite ironic, because I would also put Polamalu to death by drowning him in some Selsen Blue shampoo.

Also did you know the Bengals are a half-game behind in their division? Go figure they’d be in contention for anything.