Archive for the ‘Picks’ Category

It’s been a long time since we were here, Nick. Remember the good old days when we used to pick against the spread? Well, let me clarify, I would pick correctly against the spread and Nick would have done better to pick according to whether a Jaguar could take down a Dolphin in the wild. But the NFL’s postseason, unfortunately, is not determined by whose fans are better at gambling. Now I have to watch the Jets’ nemesis play their cross-town rival in the biggest game of the year.

Since this year’s Super Bowl will be an absolutely horrible experience for me regardless of the outcome, and since Nick has an insatiable thirst for sports gambling, he and I have put together a couple of ‘prop’ bets so that I have something to root for and Nick can potentially sweeten the experience of watching the Pats in the Super Bowl by winning some money.

So here they are folks, Roommate Rivals’ Super Bowl XLVI Props:

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Week 17 Picks

Posted: January 1, 2012 by mzyohai in NFL, Picks
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Well, last week didn’t go so well for Nick or myself. But it went better for me, so I’ll take back my rightful throne and condemn Nick to a week of silence while pornstars scantily clad in sexy nun outfits beat him mercilessly with yard sticks. OK, that’s not the worst punishment I can think up, but I can’t fully abuse my throne just yet, because I only won by a hair (for the record, it was a chest hair… because I have many more of those than Nick).

Yet, when I look at our overall records this year, it appears that I’ve destroyed Nick. Yes. In fact, there’ s a better chance of the Jets making the playoffs than of Nick going 11-5 this week while I go 5-11… and even then, the Green Mountain native would only tie my record. (Did I just make the same joke as Mike Florio from PFT? Crap.) So in honor of my inevitable regular season championship, let’s abuse the throne. Make the pornstars… MALE PORNSTARS!

Now that I have meted out justice, back to football. This is an exciting week. Not only is this the last week of the regular season, but it is also a week full of important games. First pick in the NFL Draft will be decided this Sunday. The NFC East Champion will be crowned this week. And every playoff seeding aside from the NFC’s top spot is still up for grabs.

See you in the post-season! (more…)

Week 16 Picks

Posted: December 24, 2011 by ndbohlen in NFL, Picks
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Hey! I actually won! I get to write this of my own merit, not some crappy and/or deceitful mathematics by Michael. It figures I best Michael in a week where the winless Colts somehow pull off a victory and the perfect Packers fall to a team that had been outscored by 90 points in its last six games.

Wait. Did I just compare myself to the 2-13 Colts and equate Mike with the 13-1 Packers? Fuck! Poor planning in the analogy department on my part.

Then again, the Colts did just go on a two-game winning streak, beating one fringe playoff team (the Titans) and one actual playoff team (the Texans). As the Colts orchestrate a late-season surge, could it be a sign that I am destined to make a run in these next two weeks to wrest a comeback win from Michael’s clammy-handed clutches? Snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat, and all those Rocky montage clichés? Some Patriots headgear to serve as protection while I’m out drinking would be a nice belated Christmas gift.

Sadly, though, I think the Packers will handle Josh McCown (Caleb Hanie is saying 40 Hail Mary’s to repay God for answering his prayers of not ending up like that guy in the Clay Matthews Fathead commercial) and won’t have to try in Week 17. But lucky for me, every analogy breaks down at some point, and this one certainly falls apart once Michael is mentioned in the same breath as “perfection.”

For all his bragging and bravado, the man still hasn’t gotten more than 9 picks correct in one week (only yours truly has achieved the distinction of reaching double-digits), he’s sitting  just four games ahead of me, and he stands at just 5’9″ (and that’s his “listed” height, as if he were on a professional sports team and they were too embarrassed to acknowledge his actual measurements).

In other words, if Clint Eastwood were to ask: Yeah, I am feeling lucky. Punk.

See you here same time next week.

Without further ado, our Week 16 picks: (more…)

Week 15 Picks

Posted: December 18, 2011 by ndbohlen in NFL, Picks
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Can it be? Is it really true? I finally beat Mike for once! It’s a celebration, bitches! Show Charlie Murphy your titties!

Except it turns out that Mike and I tied last week. I tallied our picks like, seven times, and every time (shockingly enough) we came out with the exact same record. Noooooooo! I’ve been duped into writing this farce of an intro under false pretenses! As if having to watch Mike fill this space each week with his hateful vengeance and spiteful sarcasm wasn’t enough, now I find out that I’m here to ridicule myself for 150 words. All because Mike’s too lazy to write this post himself, the slimy scumbag. It just adds insult to injury – not only was I tricked into realizing my Week 14 gambling shortcomings in a public forum, I ended up doing Mike’s work for him (only with better grammar). But I guess I deserve it with my picks barely treading water over .500.

In others words, I feel like a virgin celebrating my first time having sex. What an amazing seven seconds! Tiger Woods fist pump! (Pre-sex addiction, of course.)

Sigh. I just hope I can come on like the St. Louis Cardinals and charge back from five games down with an epic performance over these next three weeks. I’m off to a good start bagging Thursday night’s game behind the Falcons.

So enough dicking around. It’s Tebow Time. Just for my picks, anyway, not in the actual New England-Denver game. Screw real life Tebow, go Tebow’s meme!

So without further ado, here are our Week 15 picks against the spread: (more…)

Week 14 Picks

Posted: December 11, 2011 by mzyohai in NFL, Picks
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When we set out the rules for this section of the blog, I always figured that I’d be happy whenever it was my turn to write the introduction. As my Jewish grandmother would say, “What’s not to like?” But this week, I’ve discovered how bittersweet a victory can be: victory by draw. Nick and I tied this week. And I am only in the position of ‘victor,’ because Nick’s past performance (or inability to perform) has left me still in the overall lead.

Did Nick pop a Viagra, get a 4-hour woody, and manage to eke out an above .500 performance? Maybe not.

You either raised your competency level enough to meet mine, or you simply used enough voodoo on me to stifle my God-given (Tebow-given?) NFL predicting abilities for one week. So, I don’t think I actually have any right to shit on you this week, Nick.

You may have even extended the hex to this Thursday, when you clearly put another voodoo charm on the Steelers so that Big Ben would come out of the game and we both lost that bet. Why you did this? Who would use dark magic to undermine their own interests? I don’t know. Was spite your motivation? To spite me and the loser side of you? Perhaps you hate losing so much that you’ve started to hate any portion or yourself that can’t win. I get it. Except, I don’t lose. So I guess there’s a part of you that I’ll never understand.

Here’s hoping that this weekend returns us back to our normal: a star-studded beating of Nick’s feeble attempt to pick games, brought to you by yours truly.

Without further ado, Week 14’s picks: (more…)

Week 13 Picks

Posted: December 4, 2011 by mzyohai in NFL, Picks
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I wish I could just hop in and start mocking Nick. I really do. But there’s a part of both of us that completely deserves mockery: we spaced on Thursday Night Football. So while I was packing for my trip to DC to see the Jets hopefully rip off Rex Grossman’s head and spit in the hole, Nick reminded me that we were neither watching the game nor had we made a pick.

As you probably know by now, the Eagles were gouged by the side-show of a football team that is the Seattle Seahawks. Philadelphia flew to the west coast expecting to see juggling bears, balancing elephants, and bearded ladies, but found only a beast named Marshawn Lynch and a surprisingly deft Tavaris Jackson at QB, despite a pectoral injury (of anyone to hurt his man-boob, Tarvaris would be the one). The only bearded lady on the field was the bitch, WR DeSean Jackson, who didn’t even turn his head toward the ball on a deep route. If we’re being fair, he probably didn’t turn his head because he didn’t want to watch Vince Young get picked off yet again on his way to four INTs.

Nick, I think you’re lucky this week that we A) forgot about the Thursday night game, and B) that the Eagles are so easy to hate on. I almost feel like I could go on ranting about how much that teams sucks, deserves to suck, and will suck for the rest of the season and hopefully beyond. I would say that the Philadelphia faithful will tar and feather this team and their head coach, but that seems oddly pointless for a feathered creature. Perhaps they’ll pluck them, flip the liberty bell over, and cook an eagle-stew (how patriotic!).

Regardless of how fast the Eagles are plummeting from their sky-high preseason hopes, you, Nick, still suck at picking games. Again, you failed to reach the .500 mark. Something is telling me that perhaps you’re losing on purpose, because nobody could possibly be this incapable of picking games. Maybe you just want to build up reserves of jokes and puns for the one glorious day somewhere off in the future when you actually pick some games correctly and get to write the introduction to the weekly picks. Or maybe you just love me so much that you’re waiting for the day when I get so bored of writing about your ineptitude that I ask you to write this post in praise of me. Yeah, that’s probably it. OK, Nick, I can accept your idiocy.

PSYCH!

Here they are, our weekly picks: (more…)

Week 12 Picks – Part II

Posted: November 27, 2011 by mzyohai in NFL, Picks
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Thanksgiving has come and gone. The turkey was stuffed, cooked, cut, and eaten. Your uncle said something mildly offensive when he got drunk, and almost fought you when you suggested that he was too drunk to drive back. And your baby cousin managed to break something incredibly valuable while running around and touching anything even remotely interesting… but you couldn’t even get angry, because she’s just so cute when she knows she did something bad. And now all of that is in the past. But one thing cannot stay in the past: Nick’s losing record.

Nick did so poorly last week that you’d think he’d actually make an effort to regain some dignity over Thanksgiving. Fortunately, Nick appears to enjoy having a losing record almost as much as Tom Brady likes being little spoon to Bill Belichick. Nick went 1-2 on Thursday, while I went 2-1. Get ready for Nick to endure a weekly beatdown in this  segment of the blog… I might start calling it “Mike’s Weekly Picks.”

Nick, I’m getting so confident in your complete lack of competence that I’m thinking of a bet. How about this… for the playoffs, we’ll make picks on the spread. And maybe we can add in a couple of other side bets to make it more interesting. What’s at stake? Glad you asked. The loser has to buy the winner his team’s helmet, and take a picture wearing it with a sign… with an emasculating message on it. That picture becomes to loser’s profile picture for a month. You in?

Without further ado, this week’s picks: (more…)